After 2022 and 2023, I realised I felt exhausted and burnt out from dealing with newness around PhD life as well as health challenges. I noticed one of the things that triggered this was that my habitual pace could only be describes as ‘very rushed’.
I didn’t feel intentional with how I was doing things, I was more swayed by the opinions of others and what I thought people wanted from me. I find I am susceptible to this with my neurodivergent brain.
However, after wintering for essentially the entirety of 2023, I realised just how much I wanted to slow down. When I have wanted this in the past, I have felt like it was impossible to do; worrying how others would react around me as they work at a faster pace than me. This time I’m really trying it. It may only have been trying this for a few weeks, but so far, this is what I have found from slowing down.
Enjoying more silence in my head
My experience of being neurodivergent has made me very aware of the overwhelming noise I often experience in my head. For those of you who might not know what I mean, my common experience includes sounds like muffled chatter of multiple people on a train in my head. It can be exhausting. This isn’t helped by scrolling on social media as well as trying to multitask or jump from different ‘priorities’ when working. Since trying out a few things including being aware of my pace of working and expectations of myself, for the first time in years, I have had a quieter head, and the chatter has reduced drastically.
Learning to trust my intuition more
Being a PhD researcher has triggered a lot of imposter syndrome and foggy brain around my ideas – bringing confidence issues to the surface. This has been something that has presented with supervisors and colleagues, especially in the early stages of the PhD and when it comes to making decisions.
Since making the effort to slow down, I have experienced a lot more clarity and been able to listen to myself and trust my ideas much better. I still experience discomfort with this, but I feel a lot more grounded in myself and have more confidence in my decisions at that moment in time – even when people disagree with me. As a result, whatever comes up, I have noticed an increase of generally being happier with who I am too.
Gaining perspective
Deadlines will always be there. I do need deadlines to get the work done, but too many too frequently put pressure on me and bring the expectation to constantly be productive and ‘complete’ work. What I have noticed since slowing my pace down is that I have gained more perspective and clarity around deadlines and found what I experience as chronic stress to not be as present in my body. I have also noticed that I have cut myself more slack more often when I start to have imposter syndrome kick in unexpectedly. I have also felt less guilt when making time for things I enjoy outside of work. It has helped me to prioritise what I really want in life including what I want to do for work after I finish my studies as well as make time for hobbies and the things I really do love to do.
Feeling more grounded when life happens
I am someone prone to panic when life events happen, particularly when I am wondering how it will impact my work and the things I love to do. Unfortunately, I think this has been exacerbated by my experience of the overworking culture in academia, which has been a difficult influence to be around. It has been a challenge as someone who naturally likes to work and do things but who is very susceptible to ill health if I do not give myself enough rest. Since having multiple life events across my time in academia, including a cancer scare, I have realised how much my studies – whilst still very much important to me – really are trivial in comparison to my health. It has taught me that the more I continue to rush, push and resist away from a slower pace, the worse I am going to feel with continued burnout and chronic health flare ups. To me, nothing is worth me feeling like this and slowing down has been really helpful to start to gradually move away from feeling on edge much of the time.
I wanted to write this as a reflection for others to read and perhaps allow you to give yourself permission to slow down more in our very fast paced society. From my experience, time can be a very privileged thing to be able to influence, and I am so happy I am able to do this. Whether this has resonated with something in you or this is something not for you at all, I hope this is something I continue to prioritise and benefits myself and others around me in the long run.