Imposter syndrome is something I have talked about in my other blog posts and I am sure you will have come across this term before…or at least experienced it without you knowing the term. However, feeling like a failure as a PhD researcher is a common experience of mine too. I

So, here I have written about a few areas where I have felt like a failure, particularly as a disabled neurodivergent researcher so hopefully, if you experience something similar, you know you’re not alone.

Data collection

For many (a lot I presume) PhD researchers, this is the key focus of our research journey. But thoughts around not having enough data, the data not being good enough and that data collection can be an overwhelming experience can bring up thoughts of failing. I was told by others that data collection is the ‘fun’ part, and to an extent, I do agree. However, constant worry around getting things right, interacting with others – particularly in the context of interviews – and wondering if any of the collection will relate to the rest of your writing is a minefield. It’s an area that has been both exciting but very challenging for me, and I do have to continuously remind myself how well I have done with it as it is very easy to slip into a mindset thinking I have not done enough.

All the extras

Conferences, publications, teaching, mentorship positions…all good experience for us of course, and some may think integral to a PhD. But what if we are someone who finds they just are not able to do all of this? Whilst I have been lucky to take up some opportunities like these, having to say no to a lot for the sake of my health has felt like a huge failure. This can be so difficult when you see peers across the University who seem to be able to grab multiple opportunities and somehow appear to ‘balance’ lots of things. That does not mean you have to push yourself up to and past your limits though.

Unfinished work

As someone with ADHD, it can be very challenging to get everything completed to deadlines, especially given the naturally unstructured and constantly changing nature of PhDs. Procrastinating, having to start new things before finishing something else and tasks taking longer than anticipated have given me plenty of thoughts about being a failure.

So during this process, I have had to learn to be extremely kind to myself, remember all the hurdles that have unfortunately coincided with my research as well as the qualities that come with my disabilities. The noise in my head around this can be a lot, particularly when, intentional or not, others’ words remind me of these thoughts and the feelings they lead to.

I want you to know that you are doing your best. You are where you are now and have today to deal with, whatever that brings you…and that’s okay. Often I write blog posts talking to other people about things that, in reality, I need to learn to tell myself. And I think this might be the post that I need to hear the most right now. I hope you can give yourself the kindness going forwards in your research journey. Whatever your next decisions and pursuits, you are not a failure.